Chapter one.

It's time to start a new chapter.
There are a few things that I really don't know how to do. First off, I want to explain that I'm not desperate, I just got to the point where I can finally understand part of this awesome plan... I can't keep going without my other half. I want to keep walking towards the light, but there's this thing called marriage that it needs to be done.
PROBLEM IS: It's not only me. So, how can I make such an important decision when I don't even know what love is. I mean, I know what love is, I've had it through all my life, but that's a family kind of love. What I mean is, what if I make a wrong turn? what if I'm not good enough? what if 'that' guy is way too good for me and then I'm not sure about things I do and UGH. That's the part I don't like. All of my insecurities and all of my misconceptions about life. I tend to create this "protection walls" and they're stupid, I know, but I can't help it.
First Barrier: The joke game. I will always try to be the class clown, it helps because If I'm having fun and everyone is laughing, then I don't need to show what I feel in real life. If everyone thinks I'm the funny girl, then I will not be super romantic or I don't know.. cheesy? But I actually want to be like that. I want you to fall in love with me, but it's a barrier I have, I don't feel very comfortable about letting people in.
Second Barrier: I feel like every time I'm not the 'funny girl' i get brutally weird. Yes, weird. I've seen myself do a lot of weird stuff out of insecurity. One time, for example, I was talking about how great butterflies were, but I ended up talking about their funny looking tongues. yep. not good.
Third barrier makes sense only when you're as messed up as my mind: knowledge competition. Yeah, because it makes total sense to fall in love with a girl that wants to be better than you at everything. I'm sorry, I was raised with the thought that I needed to be the best. Now it's a bad thing sometimes, because I don't know every single tiny detail about the world, but I can pretend I do, I can act as if I know everything. Who would like to compete against someone this good at pretending?
That's the reason I need someone to know all of these things, maybe a have a fourth barrier that I don't know about, because no one has ever gotten this far. I probably have more, or maybe that's the last one, but how will I know? I need someone brave enough to reach this point and to decide to keep going. To be serious enough to get past my jokes and see the real me, to laugh at my weirdness and to tell me something I don't know. To make me want more. He needs to listen, laugh and have the desire to get through my soul. And I promise you he'll be the happiest man on earth. I know that deep down into my heart there are these things called 'feelings' and they melt easily. I will be a sucker for love. I bet my soul, I know I can make people happy, because that's what I do. But I can make then happy when they realize I'm also painfully shy and extremely reserved. When you, yes you, realize this... I promise you everything. My everything. I promise to love you for the rest of my existence.